Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

i think i'm going to get my pilot's license this summer!
crayzay..
my mom's not happy about it though.

i predict a summer of tension.

dammit julia, clear out your inbox before you email me!

To: Julia
From: Steph
Subject: Get a bigger penis NOW NOW NOW!

Dearest Julia, of house Caron,

It is with deep regret that I, Stephanie Sun aka Verve girl, aka "hey-you-stop-giving-yourself-nicknames", must respectfully decline your gracious offer to have a sunday of hanging out, talking, and general enjoyment of respective companies. Unfortunately, as June 1st calls for the second eldest brother's birthday, it follows that a birthday celebration in Toronto is in due order. This out-of-house excursion will also include traditional chinese dress shopping, prom (yes, prom. new brunswick trip is most likely cancelled)/waterfront ambassador dress, and perchance a trip to my future alma mater, McMaster University, for a tour of the campus grounds. Truely, I tell you (an expression not used only in church now!) you will occupy the forefront of my mind during this unfortunate, poorly timed trip.

However, the weekend after next will be an excellent time for this badly needed together of get, or, get-together, if you will. I will hopefully be able to show you the purchases obtained from the previously aforemented trip.

To change the subject, laurie thinks this dress is too casual. but i think if i wore those shoes that tie up your calf, it may be good enough. i know you'll probably say get it if i want it (plus on sale! mm hmm!) but do you think it's too casual for prom? perchance. if only i had earring holes. i could wear those earrings and make it more formal. anyhoo here it is:

http://www.bananarepublic.com/browse/product/193/product_193176.htm?cs_catalog=BR%5FSummer2%5F2003&cs_category=2019

Taa-aa julia!

-steph
p.s. the subject of the email wasn't a joke. NOW.

well lookee who it is..

robyn told me about seeing me in a magazine this morning, and i had no idea what she was talking about.

sometimes i wish
my dad didn't want anything to do with me. that would be pretty alright, actually.

she deserves so much more than what she gets. i want her to be happy again. that's the only way i can feel good again too.

i recognize this cycle.
this is around when i realize life was better before contacting my dad. soon i will be trying to push him away. i will feel bad. i'll see my mom's change, and say that it was for the best. then one night i won't be able to sleep, and i'll realize i miss my dad. or do i just miss a dad?

maybe it will be different this time.

no, there is no way to please him.
i feel like i'm going to have a heart attack.

divorces are commonplace. talking about it won't help. no matter what i do, i'm going to hurt.
will this go on for as long as they live?

like i told my little NBA kids tonight: no matter what happens, we all die in the end.
hahahhaa ah i'm awesome.
hahahahahah

i can't believe i typed out my laugh.
i can, actually.

ah. here we go. i need a distraction.

my head is going to explode. i don't know what's going on. this is too surreal. this can't be real.

these are what i will contemplate
as i wash the dishes.

how's that for grammar?

where do i start?

i've been contacting my dad a lot more, since last weekend.
i'm always happier in those somewhat temporary times of dodging the issue of him.
there is so much tension in my house now. it makes my mom so upset and irrational
she basically turns into a totally different person, and it kills her.
she's so happy otherwise, and so much fun. and i feel like i did this, that i shouldn't talk to him because it makes her so...different.
my dad lives my life. he's so persuasive. he's convinced me to try for medicine.
he says we have lots of money saved up for me.
my mom says otherwise.
he says: i never made a fuss because i didn't want to start fights with your mom
she says: i never said anything, because it would just cause more trouble.

well aren't we all a bunch of great people. everyone is trying to convince me how they are the bigger person, the better one, the one i should really trust.
for godsakes, they are my parents. do they not realize what this is doing to me?

i tell him tomorrow if i will go for my pilot's licence this summer.
he says i'll have to treat it like a full time job. then he says it will only be an hour or two a day.
i don't even want to bring it up to my mom. she will say no, then be upset for a month.
it really is that bad. i can't stand seeing her that way, i seriously think it drives her crazy. and not just her, but me. hearing the rantings, and sometimes it goes too far.

he is still my dad, afterall.
she told me she couldn't go to my wedding if he was there.

it's bad for many reasons. but also because i understand her point of view, and i understand his. but neither of them understand mine, and how i feel when things like this happen. i can never say anything to make them realize who they are sayings these things to.

guilt abounds, and emotional blackmail is my family trade. it's ... not great.

andrew told me: just hold out for a couple more months, and really, you'll be home free by september. (wow, double meaning)
i told him sometimes i actually do want to have a relationship with my dad.
he didn't know what to say.

they always see it as taking sides.

i talked with my dad for a few hours on the phone, talking about financial planning for summer and undergrad.
my mom came home while i was still on the phone, and she knew who i was talking to.
she was acting very antsy, she was moving really quickly, and trying too hard to be natural. i was so unhappy, watching her.

whenever my dad suddenly pops into my life, everything seems different. i feel different, walking on glass, and i'm always tense. life is a struggle and talking is a burden. all the people closest to me, the ones i need and depend on to help me, are suddenly the people i'm trying to protect. but the more i try to protect them, the more i have to take.

every little thing is seen as a deliberate move to "choose a side".

i blog so freely, but i find it so hard to tell people about this. probably because whenever i do, i regret it later.
haha yet i publish.
my throat is closing up, i feel like going.

life bites the big ass sometimes.

maybe i'll go into english. hah, that would be amazing. for so many reasons.

i've been seriously considering giving myself a mohawk.

without the sides shaved, and more pointy. with the ends bleached. and maybe me not being a pre-teen boy.

i think it would be fabulous.

when we went out
we went to pizza hut.
mike c(hattan) was there, with a few others i recognized. we said hi to each other. i think he considered running to the back, when he saw me come in. i remembered pat talking about his girlfriend, katie, who was our server. she kept watching me. and when we were leaving, the whole staff was gathered in the kitchen, and they were all looking at me. most were smiling. it was annoying and eerie.

i feel better now.
kind of empty.
it's nice out.

did i tell you how our lawn got so disgusting that the neighbours mowed it for us?

typical
mark just showed up at the door.
i hear a strange female, yet deep voice.
feels like i'm about to be introduced.
"oh no, i'm just tired. my eyes get like that when i'm tired."
time to act like everything is normal, like usual.

i miss you too

andrew went with me
to see my dad.
joan was there. of course, she lives there. i haven't seen her since...
she was being very nice.
surprised to see us too. but it was exactly like my mom would always blurt out.
her biggest fear: us getting along with joan.
even the part about us going out to dinner with her, almost came true.
my dad...looked different.
never got it signed.
i'm so fucking angry.
because of the last five minutes of the meeting.
if andrew says anything to me, especially trying to make me feel better,
i'll go fucking insane.
it was building up the whole time.
all he ever talks about is how we are totally unprepared for medicine.
of course, we're being cheated and lied to by other people.
sure, we have to scratch, beat down, cheat and lie to other people.
i totally agree that we have to live miserably for four years
so that we can get medical degrees, which yes, is the only option.
even if we don't want to be doctors, yes, you must become a doctor first, then move from there.
especially because you aren't positive about what you want to be.
teacher? researcher? those are nice, cute, stupid dreams.
what you really want to do is get your m.d. first. then go from there.
how do you become a doctor?
first thing you do is become a pilot.
don't say a thing about the money, because i have had it totally planned since before you were born.
money is nothing.
but that is what you are to aim for.
there are no "shoulds" or "maybes". it's all "you do this. because i say so." i asked once, and his exact words were "i'm not going to tell you why, that's not of importance".

there is absolutely no encouragement.
literally, hours of the same conversation.
"money is fuel"
and there is no such thing as compromise.
a masters degree? that's for people who can't get a phD. a phD? that's for people who end up as taxi drivers. university profs are unhappy. everyone is unhappy: unless you're a doctor. doctors who complain do so because they can.
anything you've ever accomplished, means nothing. swimming was a trivality. provincials, nationals, that was all nonsense. the sole purpose for swimming is to try to set you apart from other kids. no, not really. it is to give you half a chance. it is a prerequisite to a prerequisite.

biotech? nice try.

school marks are nothing. you have to compete with all the kids in canada. they all have advantages that are a thousand times better than any you ever might have had.
time is always running out, and you are nothing without me.
your life is mine, because i said so.

i'm so angry.
i know i won't get into med school.
i dont' even know if i want to.
that is the first sign that i won't.

nothing is ever good enough.

so don't talk to me about the stupid shit that goes on in your pointless life. you don't know me at all.

today

i'll talk about biotech results another time.

i was reading duddy kravitz this morning, and they used the word "chink" once, and in passing.
you have no idea how shocked i was. and it was only one word, used once.
i swear, i stared at it for 15 seconds.

i've been thinking more about the stories of people's racist asstalk at riverfest.
it's pissing me off a lot.

alright, i guess i'll talk about biotech now.
but i'm tired, so i'll probably leave out a lot of stuff.

basically, we got fifth and a half place. ah geez, i'm already too tired to explain it all.
i'm skipping school tomorrow, so i'll just slap something in later.

i'm sure you can survive not knowing until then.

i'm in ttown now.
it feels nice to be home. i just wish i didn't have to go outside.

wow.
how's that for a hermit?

in five years, i'll be looking back on how i look back on how things have changed me, and wonder at how things have changed me.
everyone changes.
i used to hate change so much.
i wonder what the psychoanalytical reason for that is.
i guess all bad stuff comes from nowhere. and i see that as change.
but when it's good, i see that as growth.

i like stuff. but i still hate change.

i can't stand tampon/pad commercials. they're so fucking idiotic.("are you ready for this? we have a new kind of tampon! it's packaging is shimmery!" "whoa now. let me sit down first.") especially the one where it says [this pad] is the greatest breakthrough for women since the push-up bra. thank god for push-up bras and overpriced pantyliners.
without them, we'd all be living in caves.

i'm so angry. and tired. the worst kind.

i'll stay

hi

lisa emailed me on sunday, saying she couldn't come to the competition.
so i went alone, and it was probably for the best.

yesterday was the second round of judging, this time by "professionals"
i kept spitting. once, on them. even worse: i apologized, thereby acknowledging that it happened.

yes, it's hilarious in retrospect.

i sat in on one or two classes. their semester is really polite. i like them.

you know, i can be a real fuckhead sometimes. i'm thinking about the whole mike42 deal.

i don't know about prom. i know it will be fun. but does it make sense?
yeah, i suppose it does. it's important, just like wrapping presents, setting tables, or waiting until christmas to open christmas gifts.
i would probably go to n.b. if i had to choose. i don't want people to think i'm ditching them, though. we'll see how it goes.

that's cool about josie and luis. haha emma called it a few weeks ago, too.

neat-o.
i probably wouldn't regret not going to prom, after a few weeks. but then again, i probably wouldn't regret not going to n.b. after a few weeks too.

oh conflict.
my ass.
this is my biggest worry these days. prom or new brunswick. how pathetic is that.

no, that's a lie, i suppose.
june 1st is coming quickly. my dad still hasn't replied to my email.
i tried to make it sound like i wasn't contacting him solely for his signature and the $50,000. but it obviously was.
he is the kind of guy to wait until after june 1st to reply. and in his reply, he will be estatic about meeting up.

in confessions, i asked the priest if it was possible to forgive someone who isn't sorry. i've always wanted to discuss that with a priest, or some kind of religious authority. he gave a typical priestly answer: yes. if you forgive them, they will eventually become sorry (...guh?) and it's more for yourself than anything else.
it wasn't very convincing.

i've only ever taken one confession seriously. it was the first one i can remember, i think i was 8, or younger. i wanted to confess how i stole stuff from A&P, but was too ashamed to tell father hanley. i started to cry after confessions but wouldn't tell my mom why. i asked her if after confessing, if all your sins were forgiven, and she said, yeah, i guess so. she never really believed in confessions. so i took that as the ones i didn't confess were forgiven too.
for some reason, mrs.mackenzie was there.

i had a dream where zach was talking badly about me, because of my chin. it's weird how the most unbelievable things can happen in a dream, and you'd still believe it was really happening.

the awards ceremony for aventisbiotech is tonight. there, we find out how we did.

i'm at my godmom's right now.

i'm trying to think of what i do all day at school.
the other day, i was packing my bag. i turned to go and sean m saw me and said, "whoa, you still go to this school? where have YOU been?"
what the hell??
i dont' remember if i said anything.
then i heard he was dating jackie.
it's so strange how as soon as someone starts dating someone from that group, they turn really loud and somewhat obnoxious.

mcmaster seems really small.
their openhouse is this saturday.
maybe i will skip friday's school too. andrew is coming home friday night, so i might as well go home with him. otherwise, my mom will have to come to toronto, drive me back to trenton. then go to oshawa for tomorrow's work, then go to toronto, to get andrew, then go home. then probably go to toronto again on the weekend.

she's coming to the ceremony tonight.
i left everyone else's names on the team list. so if i win anything, they will win as well. i may or may not care, if it happens.
the other competitors were surprised. most teams had more than one person. the other ones that had only one (2 others) were also ditched by the rest of their group. one girl was trying to see if sunscreen could be made from cellulose (it can't) and the other was trying to do something with genes. almost all of the groups there were doing stuff where they mess around with genes. or else test bee venom on something.

i feel a tad sad.
but it's a nice feeling. like when you think of a good memory.
still.

andrew turned 20 last week. "wow. i've been alive for two centuries. or one fifth of a decade!"
we saw the matrix yesterday. t'was good. but you knew that already, probably.

i tell everyone i'm going to mac.
mike said that mike42 is either going to mcgill or cornell. CORNELL.

so yeah.

CORNELL.

have i ever told you about my 2nd cousin whose tuition to stanford was completely covered by my grandpa?
stanford.
for design engineering.
she's working for either gap, or club monaco, or some giant company that owns both, designing clothes.
i'm probably mistaken.

she said stanford isn't competitive at all.

but no one wants to hear about that.

jo, i was thinking last week how i never see you anymore.
in fact, i never see anyone anymore.
this semester, all my classes are full of people i've never had classes with before.
emma and vic, i never talk to, even though i'm in chem and phys with emma.
shannon i will have snippets of sentences with, when we're at our lockers at the same time.
i'll see a few if i finish chem early and go to the tech room.
laurie always manages to walk into me in the hallways.

it's pretty crazy to think that i only started talking to laurie on msn first, when i was in toronto.
"wow, you don't sound like how i thought you would."
"hey! we'll finally get to talk in person!"

i never have anything to say anyways.

i have over a week's worth of work to do, in every subject. so i should get going.
something is different.

bye

julia,
you've gotten me addicted.

clicky.

until the 19th, so it says.

i don't feel good.
i wonder what is up.
should i have acted differently?
should i act different?
i hate going through the possibilities in my mind.
it's frustrating.
and perfect.
even if it went perfectly, it will be a disappointment.

maybe it's best like this. where there's potential, and no disappointment.

highlight

lisa: notice the dance floor is 99% female, mike? i bet you could take a few, nudge nudge
mike: what, you mean in a fight?

he has the wrong idea.
i think. maybe i'm the one with the wrong idea.

looking forward to next week. in the nervous-don't-want-to-do-it way. like a swim meet.
except..not at all.
i'm only nervous about lisa. for lisa. she must not care at all. for all she knows, the final report and the board are not going to be done. i'm literally, doing both by myself. but what else is new, hm?

*sigh*
friday night was fun. worth all the weeks of drugery i've been going through.
it's not really that bad. just boring.

mark can't be my escort anymore.

it's hard to tell when someone is good at bass. my bar was set at a pop.

i've been recording the data wrong on the half of the experiment that's at my house.
it's very disappointing.
i don't want to have to flub results.
i wonder how this will work out.
it's not really vital. maybe i will ignore it, period.

jen knitted me a toque. it's awesome. it's in osc colours, and says "steph" on the side.

robin drank some alkyhall!!

i want to be at riverfest right now.

my family went to the movies without me. i said i could only go to dinner, and would have to skip it to do my final report. it's andrew's birthday celebration.
mark is leaving for cyprus june the 16th. to teach.
i may not see him before then.
he'll be gone for a year.
since he's moved out, i've not seen him for long (possibly year long) periods of time, but the fact that he's way overseas makes it noticable.

ho hum.
he's giving me a lot of stuff for september. i don't think i have to get anything new.

about 3 weeks of school left.
why are exams so early?

the coldplay concert is june 11th. so am i going to write my exam, go to see coldplay, come home in time for my exam the very next day? you bet.

zat ees all, friends.

haww...

lunch went as expected. except for how i really thought it was a bad dream.
i fell asleep on the couch after school today. i was dreaming that i was sleeping on the couch after school. in my dream, i looked at my watch and it was 10pm. so i figured i'd sleep some more, since i'd already missed my piano lesson. then i woke up and looked at my watch, and it was 5:45pm. in time for my piano lesson. i thought i was still dreaming, so i slept some more.

then i was purposely late for piano.
then i went.
then i saw kirk.
then i went home.
then i blogged.
then my mom came home.

i feel better now.
julia's blog made me tickle inside. hahaa

or maybe it's because i just ate.

hm.

i'll eat some more!

i'm not going to be at school for most of next week.

i say "sweet" much much too much.

Touch Me - The Doors

it's my dad's birthday today.

i realize this now.

go away.

i'm not going to swim for the rest of this year.

and it makes me want to cry.

i don't swim because i'm afraid of finding out i'm not as good as i was. no, i know i'm not as good as i was. i'm afraid of finding out i'll never be good again. period. so i don't swim. and i become worse and worse.

and so i don't swim because i'm afraid of failing.
and now i decide to quit.
and i've failed.

today was the most uneventful day in a long time. yet it's also the saddest.

and i quote:

"If the ENTIRE student team is not present to make their presentation at their scheduled time of evaluation, their project will be considered "For Exhibit only" and not be included in the competition."

fuck.
is it coincidence this all happens at once?

so emma wants to go to riverfest, she tells laurie, after telling me her plans for toronto?

riverfest, eh?

whatever.

cars crash
up against the roadside

old men
have it at each other
as i come in

holy shit. our english presentation was hell. i can't believe it.
i haven't been that angry in a long time.

i need a fucking diode. i bought 3 already. and they are all in goddamn toronto. jesus.

i'm going to miss up to 3 days of school tomorrow. what kind of shit is this?!

i feel so ... different at school. for some reason, i was suddenly really aware of it as i was leaving little nba.
i guess i've always felt like this. at least, last year. the years before that. i didn't in the beginning of the semester. at that time, i had such a tolerence for people. i wanted to like them. but now i'm just too tired, in so many ways.

i don't know what it is. it seems like i've seen these people every day, but it's all surreal. you look at them

high school is too weird. it's like the furthest from reality anyone can ever be. does that make sense?

Steph says:
i just feel like i'm just here, just a filler, until school finishes, and i can start living.

the first time i heard someone refer to the nerdery as "science school" i was so defensive. "no, it's not a science school at all! nothing like that!"
that's what it's called.

"are you talking about smart school?"
"yeah, rich-kid"
jesus christ. are you expecting an apology? what the hell is with these people.
they act as if they have a reason to be offended.
they're so insecure.
do they think i think i'm superior?
i never gave them a reson to think that.
really, why are they so insecure?

it's not how they look at me, that i'm talking about.
i'm talking about...
..hm..
..the fact that we really are just water and oil.
i'm not that different. but why do so many people try to be the same?

this really does sound like i'm trying to talk about how other people see me.
but that's not it.
i wish i could describe it.

i was really really shocked when emma said, "well it's better than not going with anyone, right? you know you were thinking it too!"
and people tell me i'll regret not going to prom.
i actually dont' think i would.
i was thinking about how nice it would be to just go home after prom, rather than going to an after-party.

i guess there's a reason why stereotypes exist.

am i being an asshole?

i don't want to be rude.

i've lost the feeling.
i can't even talk about it without thinking people will think i'm being conceited.
so i won't.

i feel so awful though.

this time, writing about it didn't help at all.
it's not that i feel like i shouldn't be here, it's that i actually shouldn't be here. and usually, it seems neither should anyone else.

LAURIE:
friday is andrew's birthday. i'm going to toronto with family, and i have no idea what the schedule is. i'll give you directions to the benefit (you and whoever else wants to go) but i'll just have to meet you there. you guys will also have to find a place to stay on your own, if you guys are going home the next day. i hope this isn't new information...
what are your plans for saturday?

i don't know why, but talking about going to toronto, has been pissing me off like nothing else.

i guess that's been the theme lately.

xmen released an uncontrollable geekiness. you should have seen me go.
"how do you know all this?"
"internet, loser!"
"..."
"aw...i'm such a loser.."

ulterior motives, no matter how innocent they are, make me too angry.
why is everyone turning so fake, suddenly?
even chris.

got me sash and 200 buckos today.

it says "quinte chinese ambassad r"

i hope they don't think i made the o fall off.

hey! it was there the first time i had it. kristin must have done something to it.

my rube goldberg machine isn't going to be done in time. and i honestly mean that.

it's so pathetic. i have no drills, screws, nails, nothing. i really have nothing. i'm stealing wood from chris p and andrew's old machine. and even then, i don't have anything to size it down. so they are in the exact same shape.

i was working on it all this morning, and all i managed to do was "attach" a spring to a piece of wood, and screw a pulley into another block of wood.
it took all morning.

now i'm on my "break". which involves english homework and buying vinegar. it has lasted over 4 hours.

did i mention i hammered my finger? got a splinter in my thumb, and in my reaction, somehow plunged it into my other finger?

*sigh*

on the bus

from toronto today (oh yeah. i missed my bus and the next one going to trenton was leaving tomorrow am. but they let me get on the bus to belleville. what nice young people.) there was some guy in front of me who kept twitching and picking his nose. i think he had a disease. anyways, i don't know why, but it reminded me of the time the school took us to canada's wonderland, and a bunch of us went on the fly. i dont' remember who else was with us, but i started laughing when i remembered how shannon was posing for the picture they take of you as you fall down the big hill. she had her arms crossed, was stern, and unsmiling. it was hilarious.

i was trying to imitate her, but looked stupid, because i was laughing at the same time.

aw i wish i bought that picture.

i'm a horrible sister.

may 16th is dandy andy's 20th birthday.

holy crap. 20?!

anyways.
we can still go up, i'm still going to alexgirls' thing, but at an unknown time. i can give you guys directions and such, plus nerdery peeps will be there, so they'll look after you alls. besides, i might not even be late.
i can't come up with you guys, and my aunt's house is now off-limits (all good things end. plus we've missed our chance to be cheapasses) but there are tons of cheapass places to stay, especially if we share $$. if you guys are coming up on your own, book greyhound tickets ahead of time (at least 3 days), and you'll get a 2 for 1 deal. the people in trenton are nice and sometimes only charge child's fare for students.

via rail is having a sale too. half price for adult tickets. so it's about $15/person. one way. (still cheaper by bus, with companion fare)

this is more of email or person-person material, but what can you do.

julia's plan

if we do anything on the 17th, we should actually go up to toronto on the 16th, and go to alexgirl's spirit bear benefit concert. she organized it, and is playing in it!

only $5!
starts at 7:30 (?)
and i'm definately going to go if i can manage it.

do you want to come?

aaha

i finally heard the song again, the one that one said reminds them of me?

tis:
united states of whatever
by some guy whose first and last name starts with L.

it was said after i was looking through a entertainment weekly, and there was a huge page advertisement, that was just a closeup of boobs. i don't even remember what it was selling. but my reaction was "whoa. boobs."

i remember trying to describe this song to a few people, and they all thought i was making it up.

apparantly,

you can steal words.
still.

and i guess

i stole "murph" from shannon? if anything -- okay. nevermind.

this seems familiar.
to an incident when i first spoke to julia on msn.

i said something.

very common. like "obviously"
perhaps not.

"shannon always says that!"
well steph says kiss my yellow ass.

it shouldn't bother me as much as it does.
but it's gone on for so long...

dave matthews band's crash is one of the prettiest songs i've heard.

there was something else.

ah yes.

my conversation with laurie was strangely satisfying. but not.

like eating cucumber/alfalfa salads for meals.
*sigh*
groceries!

the joy that is tennis

me: do you have two balls?
him: no, just one.
me: me too. oh there's the other one.

there was more, but they shrivel and die in comparison to those lines of gold.

[ahah! she remembers!]
this one takes some describing.
i had a ball in my pocket, while i was playing.
my pocket is quite deep, and the ball was bouncing around. it kept weighing the pocket down, making it hang lower than my actual shorts.

me: "dammit! my balls keep poppin' out!"

[hehehe even more!]
him: ugh i'm not going to come out to anymore practices when it's so windy. especially up here. my balls keep flying around.

and so on.

now you can make up your own.

GO, maggot.

i can't stop wearing laurie's pants.

laurie and chantal said they look weird on me.
meh.
maybe it's cause my shoes are really flat.
ah well. too bad pour moi.

i'm going to forever refer to them as laurie's pants.

i feel like i gyped her.

hm.

i remember when mike said something about being "gyped" and alexgirl brought up the fact it's actually offensive.
stereotypes gypsies!

she brought up that it was offensive, but she wasn't offended.
so alexgirl.

she's enat.

erm...neat.

i said "aw rosco, you're so cute!"
and my mom said "yes! i am so cute!"
just now, she said "rosco, aren't you a nice little boy? yes! i am a nice little boy!"

it's damn creepy.

"gratitude is the key to happiness"
-someone wiser than us

i was disappointed at this truth. i was hoping it would be something more...
...showy.

the clothing show sucked my naked ass.

lots of vintage.
lots of goths.
lots of $$$ for anything worth buying.

a lot of the really good stuff (well. all of the really good stuff) was handmade by the designers, so usually wasn't for sale.
there were a few things i would have gotten, had i not been virtually owing money.

i like julia's plan.

may 24 is so overrated it makes me want to barf..
myself and almost every other high-schooler.

alright. wasn't that witty?

(no!)

i have the coldplay cd, and haven't figured out which damn song is green eyes.

stupid green eyes. I'LL KILL YOU.

funny how the placement of lines
can make something look

artistic.

when it's all bull
shit.

mad.

can't ever wake up on time?
i'm always late.
i woke up as the train pulled away.
i could even hear it from my bed.
what's worse is
i have to put effort
into feeling bad.

without a conscience nor feeling.
in a fit of anger, she called me narcissistic
and unaware of the world,
like a devil torturing a person
because she is bored.
a little much, i would think
except i didn't think
as i didn't care.

i was trying to care.
if you try, does it count?

i'm always so lucky.
(right?)
i have two others covering me.
but it's the idea of the matter.
it always is.
yet it never is.

why is it the only thought in my mind
was the visual
of a turtle's shell being hacked off of it's back
while it uselessly moved it's land-bound paddles
against the jolts
of the hammer
and the bites
of the chisel
swinging it's head
opening it's mouth
trying desperately to get away
from the blood pouring out of the cracks?

i was disgusted.
with so many things.
that i have become numb.
is that so?

but i still try to care
and to feel
real in such a strange
surreal place.

maybe it's like this everywhere
in which case
it is real.

desensitization is like perfume.
you even get used to that.
suffocating

and yet, it seems so necessary.

oh goodness.
how did this happen?

poor turtle.

i will do nothing.

poor turtle.

seaweed streaked with the shadows of fish, hanging just above the dusty cracked earth.
it's mouth was open, stretched in a noiseless scream of pain and confusion, inaudible to all ears except it's own.

so brutal.

i hate it!

"i'll grow up big and strong, so no turtles will have to leave their shells."

i miss my dad.
it's not fair.
but even if it was
no one would think so.

and after all that, "tomorrow to fresh woods, and pastures new"
so says the dead man.

i'm gone.

shit becomes me.
i can't get away from this uncomfortable, undescribable, want to puke, feeling.

oh look, i guess it is describable.

If this was any other day
I'd turn and walk the other way
But today
I'll stay
Okay
*"all i want to do is rock" - travis

best song with the worst name.

AGH

my professor signed his email "AGH" and i thought he was disgruntled about something. but it turns out that's his initials.

thanks for the...how many comments on how i suck, dayna? hahaha

well i guess this weekend is shot down then. i still have to go to toronto though. blah.

before semi tomorrow, i'd love it if everyone could come to my place. please do! just call ahead.

actually. i'm debating going to toronto early. skipping movie. i know it'll probably be fun, but meh. i'm feeling really crappy lately.